The Sweet Spot

Marriage is full of ups and downs. Sour and sweet spots.

Welcome to A Redeemer's Heart. This is space of truth. Not all truths hurt. Some are sweet, profound and life changing. It's always important to find your truth and glean in it.

Boom

So, boom, check it!

My husband left his job of 15 years because he wasn’t happy. He walked away from what had provided for our family, insured benefits, and a 401K plan. When he brought the idea to me, I told him to quit. I gave him two months to rest at home. One kid in daycare and one kid at work with me. I kept his honey-do list short.

I watched my husband commute an hour and a half to and from work every day. I work seven minutes from home. He managed to pick our son up from his social club every night while I ran late at the salon. My husband handled every bill while I opened Bee You and spent most of my time there. He held it down while I pursued my dream. I mean we are in the middle of a pandemic. This has been hard on us but I was very comfortable.

When he came to me saying he had enough, I told him to quit. I didn’t know that this would be the turning point of our marriage. All I knew was it was my absolute pleasure to hold my best friend down while he pursued new career interests.

90 Days

For 90 days I worked morning, noon, and night to cover both our household and my business.

I thought this season would bring us closer; however, I started to grow resentful. Jealous and unkind.

What was my absolute pleasure at the beginning had become my burden.

Our agreement was that he would be in another position providing by January. January came and went; I was beyond exhausted with the new venture of opening another salon. I was stressed about being in the salon because of exposure to this virus. I was burnt out.

And my husband’s mental well-being? I didn’t care. I was exhausted trying to supply everything for everyone.

He would be all right I told myself. I had gotten to this place of built-up anger. We had lost communication skills for three months. And I realized it happened again. I allowed this little girl in me to rise up and play me in my own marriage. You see, I know my husband loves me without limits. I am also understanding how spoiled and ungrateful I can be in this marriage. I am so used to getting my way. Finally, I had enough of the coldness and grudges and silence.

Getting my way

It’s funny how we quickly forget just how great someone is to us when we are not getting our way.

He kept the house clean. He kept the laundry cycled. He made sure I had a hot meal or a salad when I got off. He forever is happy to do “dad” work – trash, dirty jobs, and active play with our children.

I cried and prayed. I’m talking full-out tantrums in the car, whining to God. Silently weeping at night. Crying on the phone with my girlfriends. If “woe is me” were a person, it was me. I cried and complained that the man I married is not the man that lies in bed with me every night. He isn’t thoughtful. He doesn’t pay attention to me. Selfish to say that I felt some type of way.

Erica told me that no matter what I felt, if I was going to stay in it, I had to pray for my husband. Tanisha just listened and gave me Jesus. Angel sympathized and led me right back to Christ. Chenique told me to take care of my husband like I take care of my plants. Tameka always reassured that he would figure it out… to stick it out.

I had to literally pick my face off the ground and come to God, as humbly as I could, and ask Him what was it about me? I was so heartbroken and hurt because I felt that my husband changed right before my eyes.

I changed

I would soon discover it was me – I had changed.

I never thought about how it affected him. When did I get so selfish? Something had to give. It was my time to do the work. There has to be some type of sweet spot.

I began a book to help me learn how to be more kind in my marriage and in my home. For the first four days, I thought I would die. I felt like nothing was changing. I went right back to crying to God about His son. I kept reading this book. I did my devotionals. I had to check my little girl trauma. My cousin nudged me once again. So, I begin anointing every single window and door in our home before bed. I anoint my family too.

As I begin to shift, the atmosphere in my home shifted. I had to invite God back into our home. As I began to allow my inner woman to rise and accept love, my home responded with love.

My self-care had to look different. I have to tell myself that I am wise, strong, and benevolent. I have to continue to heal my inner self. I have to allow my husband to love me and know and understand that I am deserving of pure unconditional love. Trauma will have you repeating the same cycles with all different triggers.

Sweet Spots

God is showing me the sweet spots in my life to define who I am now.

We are in quarantine until the 17th of this month and I couldn’t be more grateful to just be home. I am reclaiming myself, my marriage and my relationship with Christ. Life gets so busy. We experience burnout and we don’t take the time to heal mentally, physically, and spiritually. Can y’all tell me what’s the rush through life, school, and our children’s lives? Why do we truly go so hard?

A fresh wind has blown through my home, my mind, and my heart.

I found our sweet spot again.

I know in marriage there are so many ups and downs. I truly pray that you continue to find your sweet spots. I pray you to rediscover the sweet spots in your children. I also pray that you call yourself out on your own B.S. and work on it. I promise the entire world is crazy and baby you are too.

I’m home reflecting and getting back to what I love.

I pray you guys use this time to do the same.